Have you ever made a decision, and then IMMEDIATELY regretted it? That's what happened to me a little over 5 months ago. And it recently came to my attention that someone might have a misconception as to what exactly has been going through my mind since then, and I need to get it out somewhere, so here goes. If you see this, fine. It's meant to be expository, not persuasive. I know I said a lot in my e-mails already, but I don't care. There's more that I want to say, and I can't keep my mouth shut. I also can't simply write this in my journal. Before you dare to say that I don't care, read this. I accept that your feelings are what they are, but please don't comment on mine until you know, and I mean really KNOW what's in my mind.
So....I guess I can start back in January. In winter, NSO is only one day. I was assigned to work with the transfer students. Honestly, I prefer freshies. Transfers know basically what they're doing - it's more fun to orient people who have no clue what's going on. :P Plus with the other NSO's you get more time to actually know the people. I was probably only with the winter newbies for 5-6 hours.
Anyway. You basically know everything that happened up until the letter I sent. Lance and I met. Underneath my name on my name tag I had written the name "Neal Caffrey", who is the main character in White Collar. This sparked a conversation, and I'd missed having conversation with people, so I sat next to him during convocation, and we continued talking through all of NSO.
At the end of NSO, as I was walking away, he gave me a hug. I guess I'd been away from the college scene/guy scene for so long that as soon as I had a real conversation with someone I took it as an expression of interest. Anyway...we hung out a lot over the next little bit...we were watching firefly like...3 days after NSO and ended up cuddling. Stupid. Within a week we had kissed. Yeah...who would have guessed that a guy who hasn't really dated for 3 years (3 months before mission, 2 years on mission, 9 months after), and a girl who hadn't really had anyone to cuddle with for 8-ish months would maybe crave physical affection?
Anyway....as soon as we kissed I knew it would cause problems. Oh -- to backtrack. Some other things that caused issues -- my dad, saying that guys would be more likely o ask me out on dates if I wasn't wearing the ring. And me saying that I wanted to actually go on dates that semester. Yeah...I let myself be open to other guys, and so it was just overall a really bad combination of factors. Anyway -- we kissed. 2 minutes of feeling extreme guilt. Then I pulled up Zach's Facebook page...just left it there, as a reason for why we shouldn't do this. Actually...if I remember right that was actually his 8 month mark...
So....enter basically a month of extreme confusion. I think that day was a tuesday....I think we hung out a couple more times that week. Then Sunday, I wrote a list of pros and cons. before church, we went to a park...actually the park next to Zach's grandparents house (idk why I chose that one....)...and talked. I was all set to say that I chose Zach over him, but I made the mistake of not just spitting it out, and so I was convinced to give it a week.
Idk if it was during this week or not, but at some point he said something dumb about me needing to put deodorant on. Which was immediately off putting. But I called him on it, and he said he never meant to intentionally antagonize anyone. So I let it slide. Yeah....anyway. Thanks to this and some other things, I knew that we had issues with personality compatibility.
But for some reason...we kept hanging out. But on Friday, before the week was up, we went to see Frozen and I decided to end things with him. Yeah...that lasted like 2 days.
So there was a lot of time of back and forth. I wrote zach 2 letters...one dear john, and one saying 'I screwed up. But still definitely care about you more. Forgive me?" I ended up sending the first letter, after revisions, then waited anxiously for a response. Wednesday....was crazy. Tuesday night I dreamed that Zach and I were talking, and he basically said...no way, no chance, we're done, leave me alone. I knew he was going to the temple, and decided to go to the temple as well. I felt a very clear impression to break up with Lance, and that I still....cared very deeply for Zach (even in the blog post, I'll respect your wish that I don't say those three words....). So I broke up with him. E-mailed Zach.
Then Zach's e-mail that Monday. Lol. No e-mail has ever made me that furious. It was so ambiguous....I had no clue what he was thinking, and that drove me crazy. Then...friday I think, I got that letter. By this time I was just so ready to have an answer, I was so tired of drama....I was numb when I read it. I wrote a response, saying 'okay, I'll respect this, sorry, etc".
So here begins the part that you don't know, Zach. There were a couple of weeks where I was really angry at you. I don't remember the exact reasons, but I was furious. After those two weeks though, I was just really sad. Sad to have lost you. Idk if I told you this, but ever since you left, every time I see a white Jeep Cherokee, even though I know you're gone, I'll check the back to see if those dog stickers are there. Of course they never are.
But yeah. So...as of only 3 weeks after, before there was really a chance for anything with Lance and I to go wrong, I was regretting it. I missed you. For a while, every time I thought about you I cried myself to sleep. I mean...i even told Lance how much I missed you. There were a couple times I completely broke down...in front of him. One of those times was when I saw that you unfriended me on Facebook. At this time, I still hadn't received your letter, and so had no clue what was going on. But I saw that in my philosophy class, and just started crying. I had to go out into the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes, then come back. I remember later, in the Wilk, Lance and I were talking and I just started sobbing.
So yeah...every time I thought of you, I felt pain, and regret. Basically from the very beginning. I was living in Wyview, so that alone was hard. Having the missionaries there, and not being able to go to 'our' playground was hard. When I finally realized a couple weeks ago that I could catch a glimpse of it as I was driving along freedom, and when walking from the creamery, it made me super happy. Plus, for all of winter semester, my window overlooked that playground where we took our pictures. I remember there were times where I would go there just to think about you, what I wished I could do differently, etc. I usually ended up crying.
And then moving back to building one...oh man. I couldn't look out my bedroom window without seeing that spot behind the building where you would always park. Without seeing the spot behind it where we cuddle more than once. I would walk out and see that spot where you first said you were interested in something long term.
And then on campus....different spots are triggers at different times. Sometimes I'll walk into the wilk and remember the lunches we had. So that's hard sometimes. Then sometimes I'll park below the Maeser, and end up walking along the same path we took from Tolkien to my Rel 122 class. Or I'll walk past it and see the grass where we would hang out. There's the bench in front of the MARB. There's the benches in the MARB. There's the 'hill'/tree next to the JKB. There's the walkway in front of the JKB where I gave you a hug at the end of fall 2012, and you hugged me tight and said "pleeeease come back". Basically any spot where we spent more than a second...
And then even when I was with Lance, the slightest thing would remind me of you. We went to a Hunger Games themed dance, and one of the slow songs was "Then" -- the song you referenced in your last letter. Of course I thought of you. I remember one time I was trying to listen to "With you in your dreams", and couldn't even make it through the first 30 seconds, I was crying so hard. I can't listen to practically any Piano Guys song, or Lindsey Stirling song without thinking about you. Everytime I hear Promise or Homecoming I think of you. Everytime I hear the song Beauty and The Beast I think of us dancing to it.
Oh -- also -- special dates. Your birthday was hard. I wrote a post on Facebook basically saying "so I can't say this to my best friend, but Happy Birthday. Miss you!" Then there was my birthday. It was nothing like last time. No special cake, no lindsey stirling tickets...not nearly as special. I had class til like 7. Lance and I went to Tucano's, which was cool, but still....a lot of the time I was thinking about you. Then of course there was May 8th...yeah....
So yeah....this is basically all a long way to say....the thoughts expressed in my posts on 'For You" (and yes, I DID take that down) were a long time coming. And that the last few months have been hell. The only thing that got me through was knowing that eventually we'd come through this and things would be better. But yeah...different variations showed up in my journal from time to time. I just....I needed release. Again, its as therapeutic. Knowing that at some point, you'd see what I was thinking. Anyway....yeah. Even when things with Lance were at their height, I still missed you. I still would've gone back if I had the chance. It's not just because time has past, or because we have been fighting.
So yeah....idk. This has been a big long ramble. I do have to say thought that Lance and I are broke up though. Nothing to do with you -- just...mission related, and mostly me not wanting to risk anything happening that could jeopardize my mission. Plus there's the fact that we're fighting. Yeah....idk. I've never really been that attached to Lance. I mean the slightest fight would have me wanting to break up with him. I'm surprised we've lasted as long as we have. But -- it's done. And I actually have you to thank for providing motivation for that. We've had issues, and one issues in particular that we've tried to get past, but haven't been able to. We end up doing the same thing, and it's just gotten progressively worse. So...you know how in your e-mail you said "insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"? Well, in a certain way Lance and I have been insane then. But no more -- i know that if we got back together, we'd end up doing the same thing again, no matter how much we said it wouldn't. So yeah....thanks for that. You didn't provide the motivation for us breaking up, but it is thanks to your words that I'll be able to stop myself from for whatever reason going back to him.
Seriously though....idk why I ever went back to him. Idk why I couldn't just say "hey. it's not going to work. Bye." If I could've stuck to that.....nevermind. Not going down that path. Anyway....I have no good explanation as to why he and I ever even got together, given the fact that I knew it would never work from the beginning. I can blame my foggy brain, i can blame wanting physical affection. Idk. All I know is that I wish I had never gone to NSO. I wish I was a stronger person. But I'm not....
yeah. anyway...thanks for trying to follow my ramble about my crazy life.
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