Hey guys!
For any of ya'll who still care about my crazy life, I'm starting a new blog -- here's the link!
http://myroadtomedicine2018.blogspot.com
I invite you all to follow my journey to become a neurosurgeon. :)
1/20/2016
6/20/2014
Addendum to my last post.
So I added something to the last post : that the last few months have been hell, and the only thing getting me through was the hope that Zach and I would eventually be back together.
Also -- after thinking today, I realized -- the reason (or at least a big one) that even though i knew Lance and I wouldn't work out, I ended up writing a letter that I will always regret, is because we just kept hanging out. I mean...he was fun to hang out with, and so even though I knew it wasn't in my best interest, etc, we kept hanging out, and the rest is history.
Also -- after thinking today, I realized -- the reason (or at least a big one) that even though i knew Lance and I wouldn't work out, I ended up writing a letter that I will always regret, is because we just kept hanging out. I mean...he was fun to hang out with, and so even though I knew it wasn't in my best interest, etc, we kept hanging out, and the rest is history.
The Last 5-ish Months
Have you ever made a decision, and then IMMEDIATELY regretted it? That's what happened to me a little over 5 months ago. And it recently came to my attention that someone might have a misconception as to what exactly has been going through my mind since then, and I need to get it out somewhere, so here goes. If you see this, fine. It's meant to be expository, not persuasive. I know I said a lot in my e-mails already, but I don't care. There's more that I want to say, and I can't keep my mouth shut. I also can't simply write this in my journal. Before you dare to say that I don't care, read this. I accept that your feelings are what they are, but please don't comment on mine until you know, and I mean really KNOW what's in my mind.
So....I guess I can start back in January. In winter, NSO is only one day. I was assigned to work with the transfer students. Honestly, I prefer freshies. Transfers know basically what they're doing - it's more fun to orient people who have no clue what's going on. :P Plus with the other NSO's you get more time to actually know the people. I was probably only with the winter newbies for 5-6 hours.
Anyway. You basically know everything that happened up until the letter I sent. Lance and I met. Underneath my name on my name tag I had written the name "Neal Caffrey", who is the main character in White Collar. This sparked a conversation, and I'd missed having conversation with people, so I sat next to him during convocation, and we continued talking through all of NSO.
At the end of NSO, as I was walking away, he gave me a hug. I guess I'd been away from the college scene/guy scene for so long that as soon as I had a real conversation with someone I took it as an expression of interest. Anyway...we hung out a lot over the next little bit...we were watching firefly like...3 days after NSO and ended up cuddling. Stupid. Within a week we had kissed. Yeah...who would have guessed that a guy who hasn't really dated for 3 years (3 months before mission, 2 years on mission, 9 months after), and a girl who hadn't really had anyone to cuddle with for 8-ish months would maybe crave physical affection?
Anyway....as soon as we kissed I knew it would cause problems. Oh -- to backtrack. Some other things that caused issues -- my dad, saying that guys would be more likely o ask me out on dates if I wasn't wearing the ring. And me saying that I wanted to actually go on dates that semester. Yeah...I let myself be open to other guys, and so it was just overall a really bad combination of factors. Anyway -- we kissed. 2 minutes of feeling extreme guilt. Then I pulled up Zach's Facebook page...just left it there, as a reason for why we shouldn't do this. Actually...if I remember right that was actually his 8 month mark...
So....enter basically a month of extreme confusion. I think that day was a tuesday....I think we hung out a couple more times that week. Then Sunday, I wrote a list of pros and cons. before church, we went to a park...actually the park next to Zach's grandparents house (idk why I chose that one....)...and talked. I was all set to say that I chose Zach over him, but I made the mistake of not just spitting it out, and so I was convinced to give it a week.
Idk if it was during this week or not, but at some point he said something dumb about me needing to put deodorant on. Which was immediately off putting. But I called him on it, and he said he never meant to intentionally antagonize anyone. So I let it slide. Yeah....anyway. Thanks to this and some other things, I knew that we had issues with personality compatibility.
But for some reason...we kept hanging out. But on Friday, before the week was up, we went to see Frozen and I decided to end things with him. Yeah...that lasted like 2 days.
So there was a lot of time of back and forth. I wrote zach 2 letters...one dear john, and one saying 'I screwed up. But still definitely care about you more. Forgive me?" I ended up sending the first letter, after revisions, then waited anxiously for a response. Wednesday....was crazy. Tuesday night I dreamed that Zach and I were talking, and he basically said...no way, no chance, we're done, leave me alone. I knew he was going to the temple, and decided to go to the temple as well. I felt a very clear impression to break up with Lance, and that I still....cared very deeply for Zach (even in the blog post, I'll respect your wish that I don't say those three words....). So I broke up with him. E-mailed Zach.
Then Zach's e-mail that Monday. Lol. No e-mail has ever made me that furious. It was so ambiguous....I had no clue what he was thinking, and that drove me crazy. Then...friday I think, I got that letter. By this time I was just so ready to have an answer, I was so tired of drama....I was numb when I read it. I wrote a response, saying 'okay, I'll respect this, sorry, etc".
So here begins the part that you don't know, Zach. There were a couple of weeks where I was really angry at you. I don't remember the exact reasons, but I was furious. After those two weeks though, I was just really sad. Sad to have lost you. Idk if I told you this, but ever since you left, every time I see a white Jeep Cherokee, even though I know you're gone, I'll check the back to see if those dog stickers are there. Of course they never are.
But yeah. So...as of only 3 weeks after, before there was really a chance for anything with Lance and I to go wrong, I was regretting it. I missed you. For a while, every time I thought about you I cried myself to sleep. I mean...i even told Lance how much I missed you. There were a couple times I completely broke down...in front of him. One of those times was when I saw that you unfriended me on Facebook. At this time, I still hadn't received your letter, and so had no clue what was going on. But I saw that in my philosophy class, and just started crying. I had to go out into the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes, then come back. I remember later, in the Wilk, Lance and I were talking and I just started sobbing.
So yeah...every time I thought of you, I felt pain, and regret. Basically from the very beginning. I was living in Wyview, so that alone was hard. Having the missionaries there, and not being able to go to 'our' playground was hard. When I finally realized a couple weeks ago that I could catch a glimpse of it as I was driving along freedom, and when walking from the creamery, it made me super happy. Plus, for all of winter semester, my window overlooked that playground where we took our pictures. I remember there were times where I would go there just to think about you, what I wished I could do differently, etc. I usually ended up crying.
And then moving back to building one...oh man. I couldn't look out my bedroom window without seeing that spot behind the building where you would always park. Without seeing the spot behind it where we cuddle more than once. I would walk out and see that spot where you first said you were interested in something long term.
And then on campus....different spots are triggers at different times. Sometimes I'll walk into the wilk and remember the lunches we had. So that's hard sometimes. Then sometimes I'll park below the Maeser, and end up walking along the same path we took from Tolkien to my Rel 122 class. Or I'll walk past it and see the grass where we would hang out. There's the bench in front of the MARB. There's the benches in the MARB. There's the 'hill'/tree next to the JKB. There's the walkway in front of the JKB where I gave you a hug at the end of fall 2012, and you hugged me tight and said "pleeeease come back". Basically any spot where we spent more than a second...
And then even when I was with Lance, the slightest thing would remind me of you. We went to a Hunger Games themed dance, and one of the slow songs was "Then" -- the song you referenced in your last letter. Of course I thought of you. I remember one time I was trying to listen to "With you in your dreams", and couldn't even make it through the first 30 seconds, I was crying so hard. I can't listen to practically any Piano Guys song, or Lindsey Stirling song without thinking about you. Everytime I hear Promise or Homecoming I think of you. Everytime I hear the song Beauty and The Beast I think of us dancing to it.
Oh -- also -- special dates. Your birthday was hard. I wrote a post on Facebook basically saying "so I can't say this to my best friend, but Happy Birthday. Miss you!" Then there was my birthday. It was nothing like last time. No special cake, no lindsey stirling tickets...not nearly as special. I had class til like 7. Lance and I went to Tucano's, which was cool, but still....a lot of the time I was thinking about you. Then of course there was May 8th...yeah....
So yeah....this is basically all a long way to say....the thoughts expressed in my posts on 'For You" (and yes, I DID take that down) were a long time coming. And that the last few months have been hell. The only thing that got me through was knowing that eventually we'd come through this and things would be better. But yeah...different variations showed up in my journal from time to time. I just....I needed release. Again, its as therapeutic. Knowing that at some point, you'd see what I was thinking. Anyway....yeah. Even when things with Lance were at their height, I still missed you. I still would've gone back if I had the chance. It's not just because time has past, or because we have been fighting.
So yeah....idk. This has been a big long ramble. I do have to say thought that Lance and I are broke up though. Nothing to do with you -- just...mission related, and mostly me not wanting to risk anything happening that could jeopardize my mission. Plus there's the fact that we're fighting. Yeah....idk. I've never really been that attached to Lance. I mean the slightest fight would have me wanting to break up with him. I'm surprised we've lasted as long as we have. But -- it's done. And I actually have you to thank for providing motivation for that. We've had issues, and one issues in particular that we've tried to get past, but haven't been able to. We end up doing the same thing, and it's just gotten progressively worse. So...you know how in your e-mail you said "insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"? Well, in a certain way Lance and I have been insane then. But no more -- i know that if we got back together, we'd end up doing the same thing again, no matter how much we said it wouldn't. So yeah....thanks for that. You didn't provide the motivation for us breaking up, but it is thanks to your words that I'll be able to stop myself from for whatever reason going back to him.
Seriously though....idk why I ever went back to him. Idk why I couldn't just say "hey. it's not going to work. Bye." If I could've stuck to that.....nevermind. Not going down that path. Anyway....I have no good explanation as to why he and I ever even got together, given the fact that I knew it would never work from the beginning. I can blame my foggy brain, i can blame wanting physical affection. Idk. All I know is that I wish I had never gone to NSO. I wish I was a stronger person. But I'm not....
yeah. anyway...thanks for trying to follow my ramble about my crazy life.
So....I guess I can start back in January. In winter, NSO is only one day. I was assigned to work with the transfer students. Honestly, I prefer freshies. Transfers know basically what they're doing - it's more fun to orient people who have no clue what's going on. :P Plus with the other NSO's you get more time to actually know the people. I was probably only with the winter newbies for 5-6 hours.
Anyway. You basically know everything that happened up until the letter I sent. Lance and I met. Underneath my name on my name tag I had written the name "Neal Caffrey", who is the main character in White Collar. This sparked a conversation, and I'd missed having conversation with people, so I sat next to him during convocation, and we continued talking through all of NSO.
At the end of NSO, as I was walking away, he gave me a hug. I guess I'd been away from the college scene/guy scene for so long that as soon as I had a real conversation with someone I took it as an expression of interest. Anyway...we hung out a lot over the next little bit...we were watching firefly like...3 days after NSO and ended up cuddling. Stupid. Within a week we had kissed. Yeah...who would have guessed that a guy who hasn't really dated for 3 years (3 months before mission, 2 years on mission, 9 months after), and a girl who hadn't really had anyone to cuddle with for 8-ish months would maybe crave physical affection?
Anyway....as soon as we kissed I knew it would cause problems. Oh -- to backtrack. Some other things that caused issues -- my dad, saying that guys would be more likely o ask me out on dates if I wasn't wearing the ring. And me saying that I wanted to actually go on dates that semester. Yeah...I let myself be open to other guys, and so it was just overall a really bad combination of factors. Anyway -- we kissed. 2 minutes of feeling extreme guilt. Then I pulled up Zach's Facebook page...just left it there, as a reason for why we shouldn't do this. Actually...if I remember right that was actually his 8 month mark...
So....enter basically a month of extreme confusion. I think that day was a tuesday....I think we hung out a couple more times that week. Then Sunday, I wrote a list of pros and cons. before church, we went to a park...actually the park next to Zach's grandparents house (idk why I chose that one....)...and talked. I was all set to say that I chose Zach over him, but I made the mistake of not just spitting it out, and so I was convinced to give it a week.
Idk if it was during this week or not, but at some point he said something dumb about me needing to put deodorant on. Which was immediately off putting. But I called him on it, and he said he never meant to intentionally antagonize anyone. So I let it slide. Yeah....anyway. Thanks to this and some other things, I knew that we had issues with personality compatibility.
But for some reason...we kept hanging out. But on Friday, before the week was up, we went to see Frozen and I decided to end things with him. Yeah...that lasted like 2 days.
So there was a lot of time of back and forth. I wrote zach 2 letters...one dear john, and one saying 'I screwed up. But still definitely care about you more. Forgive me?" I ended up sending the first letter, after revisions, then waited anxiously for a response. Wednesday....was crazy. Tuesday night I dreamed that Zach and I were talking, and he basically said...no way, no chance, we're done, leave me alone. I knew he was going to the temple, and decided to go to the temple as well. I felt a very clear impression to break up with Lance, and that I still....cared very deeply for Zach (even in the blog post, I'll respect your wish that I don't say those three words....). So I broke up with him. E-mailed Zach.
Then Zach's e-mail that Monday. Lol. No e-mail has ever made me that furious. It was so ambiguous....I had no clue what he was thinking, and that drove me crazy. Then...friday I think, I got that letter. By this time I was just so ready to have an answer, I was so tired of drama....I was numb when I read it. I wrote a response, saying 'okay, I'll respect this, sorry, etc".
So here begins the part that you don't know, Zach. There were a couple of weeks where I was really angry at you. I don't remember the exact reasons, but I was furious. After those two weeks though, I was just really sad. Sad to have lost you. Idk if I told you this, but ever since you left, every time I see a white Jeep Cherokee, even though I know you're gone, I'll check the back to see if those dog stickers are there. Of course they never are.
But yeah. So...as of only 3 weeks after, before there was really a chance for anything with Lance and I to go wrong, I was regretting it. I missed you. For a while, every time I thought about you I cried myself to sleep. I mean...i even told Lance how much I missed you. There were a couple times I completely broke down...in front of him. One of those times was when I saw that you unfriended me on Facebook. At this time, I still hadn't received your letter, and so had no clue what was going on. But I saw that in my philosophy class, and just started crying. I had to go out into the bathroom and cry for a couple minutes, then come back. I remember later, in the Wilk, Lance and I were talking and I just started sobbing.
So yeah...every time I thought of you, I felt pain, and regret. Basically from the very beginning. I was living in Wyview, so that alone was hard. Having the missionaries there, and not being able to go to 'our' playground was hard. When I finally realized a couple weeks ago that I could catch a glimpse of it as I was driving along freedom, and when walking from the creamery, it made me super happy. Plus, for all of winter semester, my window overlooked that playground where we took our pictures. I remember there were times where I would go there just to think about you, what I wished I could do differently, etc. I usually ended up crying.
And then moving back to building one...oh man. I couldn't look out my bedroom window without seeing that spot behind the building where you would always park. Without seeing the spot behind it where we cuddle more than once. I would walk out and see that spot where you first said you were interested in something long term.
And then on campus....different spots are triggers at different times. Sometimes I'll walk into the wilk and remember the lunches we had. So that's hard sometimes. Then sometimes I'll park below the Maeser, and end up walking along the same path we took from Tolkien to my Rel 122 class. Or I'll walk past it and see the grass where we would hang out. There's the bench in front of the MARB. There's the benches in the MARB. There's the 'hill'/tree next to the JKB. There's the walkway in front of the JKB where I gave you a hug at the end of fall 2012, and you hugged me tight and said "pleeeease come back". Basically any spot where we spent more than a second...
And then even when I was with Lance, the slightest thing would remind me of you. We went to a Hunger Games themed dance, and one of the slow songs was "Then" -- the song you referenced in your last letter. Of course I thought of you. I remember one time I was trying to listen to "With you in your dreams", and couldn't even make it through the first 30 seconds, I was crying so hard. I can't listen to practically any Piano Guys song, or Lindsey Stirling song without thinking about you. Everytime I hear Promise or Homecoming I think of you. Everytime I hear the song Beauty and The Beast I think of us dancing to it.
Oh -- also -- special dates. Your birthday was hard. I wrote a post on Facebook basically saying "so I can't say this to my best friend, but Happy Birthday. Miss you!" Then there was my birthday. It was nothing like last time. No special cake, no lindsey stirling tickets...not nearly as special. I had class til like 7. Lance and I went to Tucano's, which was cool, but still....a lot of the time I was thinking about you. Then of course there was May 8th...yeah....
So yeah....this is basically all a long way to say....the thoughts expressed in my posts on 'For You" (and yes, I DID take that down) were a long time coming. And that the last few months have been hell. The only thing that got me through was knowing that eventually we'd come through this and things would be better. But yeah...different variations showed up in my journal from time to time. I just....I needed release. Again, its as therapeutic. Knowing that at some point, you'd see what I was thinking. Anyway....yeah. Even when things with Lance were at their height, I still missed you. I still would've gone back if I had the chance. It's not just because time has past, or because we have been fighting.
So yeah....idk. This has been a big long ramble. I do have to say thought that Lance and I are broke up though. Nothing to do with you -- just...mission related, and mostly me not wanting to risk anything happening that could jeopardize my mission. Plus there's the fact that we're fighting. Yeah....idk. I've never really been that attached to Lance. I mean the slightest fight would have me wanting to break up with him. I'm surprised we've lasted as long as we have. But -- it's done. And I actually have you to thank for providing motivation for that. We've had issues, and one issues in particular that we've tried to get past, but haven't been able to. We end up doing the same thing, and it's just gotten progressively worse. So...you know how in your e-mail you said "insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"? Well, in a certain way Lance and I have been insane then. But no more -- i know that if we got back together, we'd end up doing the same thing again, no matter how much we said it wouldn't. So yeah....thanks for that. You didn't provide the motivation for us breaking up, but it is thanks to your words that I'll be able to stop myself from for whatever reason going back to him.
Seriously though....idk why I ever went back to him. Idk why I couldn't just say "hey. it's not going to work. Bye." If I could've stuck to that.....nevermind. Not going down that path. Anyway....I have no good explanation as to why he and I ever even got together, given the fact that I knew it would never work from the beginning. I can blame my foggy brain, i can blame wanting physical affection. Idk. All I know is that I wish I had never gone to NSO. I wish I was a stronger person. But I'm not....
yeah. anyway...thanks for trying to follow my ramble about my crazy life.
5/23/2014
Lifeguarding Lessons
So today was my first day as a lifeguard at seven peaks. It was only open for the owners birthday party, so it wasn't too crazy, but here are some lessons:
- The uniforms rock. A bathing suit and a tank top all day? Yes please!
- Even with sunglasses, glare will still be a problem
- Seeing little kids face their fears is awesome!
- Little kids in general are awesome!
- People expect you to know the answer to anything regarding slides/what is or is not allowed. So be prepared.
- You will talk to people a lot, especially if you guard the water-slides. Be prepared to overcome any remaining traces of shyness. :P
- You WILL have to help clean up the park if you work the PM shift.
So yeah....it was a fun night. :) Got to guard some awesome slides, got to laugh at kids' awesomeness...seriously....love this job!
My Love Life in an Equation-ish
A +B=L B----> CD = A-B EF---->G A/B, A + G = ll. A-B = I A -G = I (A-B) +(A-G) = L!(A+B + 2.75T)?
Or, to explain. I'm A. Zach is B. L = love. CD = oregon, EF = California, G = Lance, ll = like/love/not-sure-how-i-feel. I = sad. T = Time, L! = a bazillion times the love that A +B originally had).
Still not making sense? Once upon a time in the great land of UYB, two people, A + B, fell in love (L). But B went away for 2 years to the great land of Nogero. Things were still great for A in the land of UYB, although A-B = I. B was having a great time in Nogero, and the time was going by really quickly. However, A made some mistakes, and needed help overcoming them. B couldn't help. Around this time, G came from the great land of Ainrofilac, and told A that he could help her overcome her problem. The only cost was, A had to take her heart from B and give it to G. She didn't know about the cost at first, and so willingly accepted his help. At first A thought this would be the only cost, however, it soon turned out that B would exact his own price. For the remainder of their time apart (which had been increased to 2.75 years because of A's mistake), A and B could no longer be in contact, although A could let B know where she was going on her own great adventure.
Over time, although A-B = I, and A-G = I too, A came to realize that A+G = II only, not L. At this same time, she began to realize that the cost was more than she could bear, and began to believe that A-G was the only option. However, A+G= II, and so she wasn't sure, and didn't want to hurt G. Eventually though, she re-read the letters that B had sent her, and realized that A-G was the only option. Now she only hope that (A-B)+ (A-G) = L! (A+B +2.75T) (or that if she was left without both B and G, eventually, after 2.75 years, it would lead to A +B loving each other even more than they ever had before).
A's only dilemma then, was how to break the news to G. What should she do?
5/19/2014
On Love, and a note to future me.
Nearly two years ago I was blessed to meet someone who showed me what true love is. We had our bumps along the way, and are currently going through what is probably one of the greatest trials in both of our lives, but regardless, somehow we've still found a way to love each other. But let me back up....
Our story begins August 2012. We were both freshmen at BYU, and happened to be placed in the same Y-Group, thanks to the fact that both of us had registered for the 10:00am section of Honors Writing 150. At first, I thought Zachary Jason Scott was kinda nerdy, shy, and wasn't sure we'd even really ever be friends. However, somewhere during the first few weeks of class, he asked for my number, claiming he wanted it in case he ever missed class. I accepted that reason, and willingly gave it. Of course, he never missed class, and so a month passed before I got his. But finally, we ended up in the same group, where we decided to focus our research projects on the paranormal. As we spent time around each other, I found that he was great, and super fun to be around.
Eventually I invited him over to watch a movie with me and my friends. We were going to watch Robin Hood Man in Tights, but ended up watching something else. I'd invited him and another friend from my writing group, but he ended up getting their first, and sat in the chair next to me. I poked him, he poked me back....and the next few days we started texting like crazy, I got hints that he liked me, and we ended up going on a first date to Anguish Asylum, the local haunted house.
We hung out all the time, and I even managed to convince him to see Breaking Dawn Part 2 with me....that should've been the first sign that I had a true gem. The next night, he told me he loved me...i said the same. Well, idk if I'm just too quick to say I love you, or don't really know what real love feels like, but about 2 weeks later I had broken up with him to go after a friend who had recently broken up with his girlfriend. That was a really dumb mistake, and ended up causing lots of strain on most friendships...Zach even cut me out of his life for about three weeks.
Eventually he started talking to me again, and we once again became close friends. At the time, I was still interested in dating the friend, but he found another girl he liked. When it happened, I was crushed, but super happy to have Zach there. Even though I wished I hadn't hurt him, part of me was glad because it meant that he knew exactly what I was going through.
Soon enough, we started falling for each other again. There were so many little hints that he dropped, and finally I just came out and asked him. He directed me to a blog post he had written, explaining his feelings. We had two-ish glorious months before he left on his mission. We went to Lindsey Stirling, The Host, both had copies of the One Ring from LOTR, and had every intention of waiting for each other.
The first few months when he left on his mission were super difficult. I missed him so much, and wished that we could communicate more than once a week via e-mail and through the occasional letter. I loved getting his letters - -they were the happiest days. But then, idk what happened....I guess I forgot how much he meant to me...I forgot how great of a friend he was, how close we were, how he was my closest confidante, how I loved him more than anything...I forgot the reasons why I was so committed to a relationship with him. I stopped wearing the One Ring, and that proved to have disastrous consequences at the start of winter semester.
I had taken Fall Semester off to study for the Bible Bee, which was probably not the smartest idea, as it meant I was never around guys outside of my family, and thus was not as good at resisting a cute smile, or a good conversation. In fact, I started to like one of the first guys I met upon my return to school, a good looking transfer student named Lance. Similar to Zach and I, we met in a Y-group, though this time I was the leader and he one of my "Y-groupies". :p
Lance and I started hanging out a lot...we're still together now(probably not for long though). I sent Zach a dear John letter, and after a temple trip he wrote back saying that he was still 'unrelentingly, unconditionally in love with me', but that he felt the Lord was directing him to cut off all communication with me at least until his return from his mission, perhaps until my return from mine. I was allowed to respond to that letter, and then tell him once I got my mission call -- nothing else. Well, I got my mission call - -Merida Mexico. I had hoped he'd reply, but probably should've known better.
Anyway -- the whole point to this is that I know what true love is -- and it's not what I have with Lance. We love each other in that we want each other to be safe and happy -- but not in the consummate love(a social psych term) that Zach and I had. One of the theories of love is that there are three parts -- passion, intimacy (aka emotional closeness), and commitment. Lance and I have the first two -- the components of romantic love. However, simply having those two is not what makes for a truly successful relationship. Based on the theory, those relationships that last are those that have all three. Zach and I had that. Sure, while he was gone it was 80% or more commitment, but we still had all the key ingredients - -we were emotionally close, and still expressed minor passion by saying we missed cuddling and by closing our e-mails with "everlasting embrace" or something similar.
So -- my whole point is -- if you have all three in a relationship, NEVER let that person go. Even if it gets hard, even if you find someone fun to be around, never let them go. Friendships are fine -- be friends with other people. But trust me, if you do something to push your true love away, if something causes you to lose them, you will always regret it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I could take back everything that happened with Lance and have my Zach (Elder Scott now) back.
So, in closing, future self: If you're rereading this, it's probably because you either are in a re-read everything mood, or because you got back with Zach and are now considering ending things with him again. To you I say -- remember how it felt to not talk to him for two years. Remember how there were nights you would cry yourself to sleep because you missed him. Remember how you weren't sure you even wanted to get back together because you were terrified of hurting him again, but decided to anyway. Remember how in May 2014 you re-read his letters and realized that that was what true love was - -letting each other in completely, letting someone know everything about you, being willing to do anything for another person. Remember that you need to put other people's needs above your own, especially his. Just remember. Remember how much he loves you. Remember how you broke his heart twice and he still wanted you, still wanted a future with you. Remember how you compared what you had with Lance to what you had with Zach. Remember how Lance paled in comparison. Remember how you couldn't bear the thought of Zach with anyone else. Remember that Zach would do absolutely anything for you. Remember -- remember the cost of forgetting to remember. If Zach and you got back together for a third time, its because you guys ARE MEANT TO BE!!!!!! If you got back and he hadn't been in a relationship or even gone on many dates because he wanted you, still, after everything, DON'T YOU DARE BREAK HIS HEART AGAIN!!!! Even if he does something that hurts you, fine -- take him back. How many times has he taken you back? You can do the same for him. Everyone will go through problems - -that's not a reason to end things. Future me, and future Zach -- you guys will get through it. Whatever's going on that makes you need/want to re-read this, remember that. Tia, remember how much of a gem he is. He is priceless. Don't lose him again. Take the time to re-read those things that remind you why you love him. Re-read the letters he sent you on his mission, if you still have them. Re-read any cute, hopeful romantic text he may have sent you. Don't forget again. If God let you get back together again, its for a reason.
Now to Zach -- if you happen to read this when you get back. I love you. I meant what i said -- I would give ANYTHING to have you back right now. I keep holding on to the hope that you were right, and that we are meant to be. That line you shared about you meeting your eternal companion after your mission kinda scares me, because it makes me think that maybe we aren't meant to be, but I have to hope that you're right and it means that we'll 'meet' again, as better versions of ourselves. Well, idk when/if you're reading this, but if it's before february 2016 - i'll see you soon! the next few months (month?) will fly by. If it's after -- help me remember. Please. It'll be easier with you around, but should I ever start to doubt - -point me to this post. I truly hope that that will never happen - -that I'll always be sure of my love for you and will never even consider the thought of leaving you for a picosecond. But should I - -should I start wondering about other guys again -- remind me that I tried that route - -twice -- and both times they paled in comparison to you. Anyway....I've rambled long enough. Zach, I love you. I now know I will forever. I'm counting the months, and eventually weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds until I can see you again.
For anyone reading this - -sorry for the long post. I had to get this off my chest before I burst. Lance, if you're reading it....I'm sorry. You're a fantastic person, but not for me. I know what true love looks like, and I won't rest til it's mine.
1/21/2014
Rant (ish)
To whoever's reading my blog and wants more info on a person I mentioned last post -- here's more of the story.
http://songbliss95.blogspot.com
Also, to whoever's reading: if you're a missionary, follow Uchtdorf's advice and stop it. You don't need distraction and you promised me you wouldn't get distracted.
If you're reading this and you're related to/friends with said missionary: stop it. He doesn't need distractions, and if you read all of my blogs combined you'd know that there's NOTHING to worry about -- nothing worth mentioning to him. The posts on this blog typically only tell half the story. The other half, if it's not here, can be found at the URL above.
If you're reading this and you fit neither of the above descriptions: thank you for reading. I appreciate it. Sorry for the sorta rant up there. My life has been super crazy over the last 2.5 weeks and I'm trying to sort through a lot of things and one thing in particular just completely threw me for a loop. Actually…make that two….but oh well.
Thanks for reading about My Crazy Life.
http://songbliss95.blogspot.com
Also, to whoever's reading: if you're a missionary, follow Uchtdorf's advice and stop it. You don't need distraction and you promised me you wouldn't get distracted.
If you're reading this and you're related to/friends with said missionary: stop it. He doesn't need distractions, and if you read all of my blogs combined you'd know that there's NOTHING to worry about -- nothing worth mentioning to him. The posts on this blog typically only tell half the story. The other half, if it's not here, can be found at the URL above.
If you're reading this and you fit neither of the above descriptions: thank you for reading. I appreciate it. Sorry for the sorta rant up there. My life has been super crazy over the last 2.5 weeks and I'm trying to sort through a lot of things and one thing in particular just completely threw me for a loop. Actually…make that two….but oh well.
Thanks for reading about My Crazy Life.
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